HAVING DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS BOOK HOW TO

Another mistake is to assume that once we explain that our intentions were benign, the other party has no reason to feel hurt. We also tend think the worst of others, and the best of ourselves. We base our assumptions on our own feelings if I feel hurt then you must have meant to be hurtful. However, our beliefs about another's intentions are often wrong. People tend to assume that they know what the other's intentions are. The second set of mistakes concerns understanding the parties' intentions. The authors recommend adopting the 'And Stance,' acknowledging both your own views and their (differing) views. Parties should also try to understand why they interpret the situation in the particular way they do. To move toward a leaning conversation, parties must shift from certainty about their own views, to curiosity about the other's views of the situation. They differ in their interpretation of what the facts mean, and of what is important. The first mistakes that people make as they consider what happened is that they assume they are looking at a factual matter, and they assume that their view of the matter is right. The key to having effective, productive conversations is to recognize the presence of these deeper conversations, avoid the common errors, and turn difficult conversations into learning conversations. The authors identify common errors that people make in these sorts of conversations. The identity conversation is an internal conversation that each party has with herself, over what the situation tells her about who she is.

The feelings conversation is about the parties' emotions, and their validity.

The 'What happened?' conversation usually involves disagreement over what happened, what should happen, and who is to blame. Underlying every difficult conversation are actually three deeper conversations. Typically, when the conversation does occur the parties think and feel a lot more than they actually say. People are usually reluctant to open a difficult conversation out of fear of the consequences. Difficult Conversationsĭifficult conversations are anything that someone does not want to talk about, such as asking for a raise or complaining to a neighbor about his barking dog. The authors offer techniques for having more effective, fruitful discussions. This book explores what makes some conversations difficult, why people avoid having difficult conversations, and why people often manage difficult conversations poorly. Good communication is important both in formal negotiations and in daily life.

HAVING DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS BOOK HOW TO

Summary of Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most By Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen Summary written by Conflict Research Consortium StaffĬitation: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, (New York: Viking Penguin, 1999).

Having difficult conversations book